I’m writing this as I recover from a near death experience.

Okay, it was the stomach flu, but to be fair it was literally the worst flu of my life. And to be honest, when I get sick, I go dark. I’m not typically suicidal but if there were a few lines of coke lined up nearby while I was violently losing my insides, I would have snorted away.

I am tired. On top of that I’ve been lying in my own sweat for the past 48 with way too much time to contemplate life. I may have mentioned this before, but I’m currently going through a mid-life crisis. The thing about turning 40 is that it feels like hitting puberty all over again, but this time knowing all of the things I didn’t know the first time around.

It’s that rush of becoming all over again.

And then there is the other side where it’s confusing, frustrating, and downright uncomfortable. It’s like starting over and knowing all of the things just means that I am fully aware of how stupid I am acting. It’s like I’m my mom and my dumb ass teenage self all rolled into the same person, and just like the first time around, neither are listening to each other.

I’m literally a walking contradiction. I’m this responsible working mother and wife but bubbling over from the inside, there is this energized wide eyed young woman ready to live again. (She may have been swallowed by motherhood for a bit but she is back with a vengeance and tolerance for alcohol and chaos).

There was no “plan” for this portion of my life. It kind of came out of nowhere, while also prompted by Covid and lockdowns with my family. I planned on the wedding and the babies. (And no, those didn’t go exactly as planned.) Then suddenly the babies weren’t babies anymore. Suddenly I was left alone with this body, unrecognizable to me after three kids, a husband who was afraid to do or say anything to me after years of having resentment spewed in his face, and absolutely zero idea of what I want to do next.

Do I just keep going? Cleaning, cooking, laundry, and just all of the things?

The short answer is yes. Yes, I do keep doing those things. Just because they can dress themselves now apparently does not mean they stop accumulating stuff and leaving it everywhere. It doesn’t mean that there is less housework or that I am not needed. I. Am. Needed.

But there is this… space… in my brain… and it is a space that used to be filled with crying babies and nap schedules and brain cells that didn’t function due to lack of sleep. And that is the part that is now quiet. Or at least it was quiet. For about five minutes.

Now it’s filled with more questions than answers. What am I to do next? What is the next phase going to look like? What should I be doing so that I don’t die with regret? How did I get here? Oh, and my favourite, what do I want????!!!

I usually save my blog posts for when I have this brilliant conclusion, or this knowing (thanks Glennon Doyle). But I’m once again at a loss. So here is what I do know:

• I am not the same idealistic bride I was 14 years ago. I am no longer naïve about marriage and motherhood. But I wouldn’t have listened even if I was told (and I was). This also doesn’t mean I regret it because I don’t. My life is full and fantastic. I would have done a few things differently though…
• I came out of this last decade a little broken and a lot jaded.
• I also came out of the fog with a level of light and strength in myself that I never knew I was capable of before.
• My childhood formed me and I didn’t ever give enough credit to just how much it shaped me. I credited it for the good. But the truth is, there were demons I didn’t deal with and I should have before ever becoming someone’s partner. I honestly just thought I had it all figured out…
• I have learned (the hard way) the difference between reality and fantasy.
• I am not too old for… well almost anything. That includes starting some things over, or even starting where I left off.
• I have more control over my life in this phase than ever before. This is also what makes it a little scary I think.
• When you think you have it figured out, it changes. Everything – people, the world, my body, technology, my kids’ needs, the price of celery, etc. The list goes on.

There you have it. That’s literally all I know at this point.

While I think I come to answers along the way, I am slowly learning how to trust myself and my gut. Maybe that’s a big difference between a midlife crisis and puberty? I truly know that I don’t know so much. And I’m also slowly learning how to sit still until I do know (which is not something I would have done at seventeen).

Yours in the midlife crisis,

Modern Mommy Brain