Something incredibly crazy happened to me today so I thought I would share.
My daughter was going through photos on an old cell phone we had given her, and she came across a photo of someone’s torso. It was a selfie taken of a fit looking stomach wearing a sports bra. She asked who it was and I shared that it was a photo of me. By the appearance of it, I knew that it was taken during a time when I would attend intense workout classes five days a week and when carbs were basically evil. I immediately reflected to myself on how different that torso looks now – softer, bigger, etc.
Then, while lying in the bathtub last night I was thinking about how fit I used to be and how I needed to start focusing on getting back in shape and watching what I eat again. So this morning I got up and decided that I was going to take a “before” photo. You know the one. It shows all of your soft spots, every single thing we call an imperfection, and the focus is on what we want to change. I’ve taken a TON of them in the past and I’ve even had a few “after photos” to complete the set.
Well I took the three photos. Front, side, and back. Then I looked at them to study. I looked at them because I wanted it to be the slap in my face that I needed to kick my own butt back into the shape I once was. I wanted it to be my “aha” moment. I wanted that crucial turning point in the movie where the main character stops binge drinking and eating takeout and then gets her life in order. I was trying to shame myself into submission.
But when I looked at the photos something was different this time for the first time in my entire life. I didn’t feel shame. I saw the lumps and bumps and curves and dimples and I just really didn’t care. I actually accepted that person and her body just the way she was for the first time EVER. All without the crazy workouts and the food restrictions.
Why didn’t it bother me?
Well for starters, if I really want to change the shape of my body, I know how to do that. Weightloss is simple. I didn’t say easy, I said simple. I know what to cut out of my diet and what to do more of in the gym. Do I want to thought? Not in the extreme ways I once would have, no thanks.
I know when I need to lay off the sugar and wine and even the super starchy carbs, because I get some serious bloat on and I’m uncomfortable and sore. I’m pretty sure this is age related as well, but when grown ups eat shitty, we feel shitty.
When I look at those photos, I see a few more nights than normal of drinking wine or my husband making us homemade chocolate chip cookies . (He makes the best cookies). I also see me stretched out on the couch under a blanket, reading a good book, relaxing instead of worrying about laundry that needs to be folded, while drinking that wine. And I see kissing and laughing in the kitchen between warm bites of cookies. I see happiness.
There is a lot of focus in the media around appearances and while I still would like to keep my hotness factor up, I just find that (finally) what matters most to me is feeling good and being happy. I’m proud of what my body can do. I also know that the body is capable of some serious transformations. I’ve seen it and I’ve experienced it. But I have to be willing to do what it takes to make that happen and I’m just not.
That being said, I workout often and even though I’ve ditched the intense gym classes (originally due to Covid lockdowns), I have been doing my own thing in my little garage gym and it has become a sacred space. I workout for my mental health and that is number one. When I stop working out, at best I have less patience for my family, and at worst I go into a very dark place. It is my therapy.
A more valid reason to care about my shape is that I really don’t want to buy new pants because I’m cheap so I try and make sure my weight kind of sits within a five pound radius. I hate shopping for clothes too. And when you find the perfect pair of jeans, it’s just not cool when you grow out of them.
What I did learn from years of meal plans and food restriction is what it is that helps my body function at its best. I also love when my pants fit, my digestion is good (pooping is such a big deal at this age…), and when I don’t wake up sore and swollen from too much sugar and alcohol. It’s about living life and finding balance and I guess I’ve finally found it? Weird.
So maybe scrap the “before” photo and just take a really awesome “right fucking now” photo because you are exactly where you are supposed to be. And if you want to change it, that’s okay too. In fact change is not only possible, it is inevitable.
Yours in Self Love,
Modern Mommy Brain
