I remember when I was in College I drove up to visit a girlfriend for the weekend.  We went out drinking and to a bar with her and a bunch of friends.  It was a typical night out at 19.   

When we got back to her apartment, she went to bed with her boyfriend while I was left out in the living room with some random guy friend of theirs.  He was drunk and trying to convince me to sleep with him because he was too lazy to just go home to his girlfriend (lucky lady).  

He thought that if he put some porn on that maybe I would just get so turned on that I would not be able to keep my hands off him (at least this was my theory).  Needless to say, it was unsuccessful and he went home shortly after that.  I had a boyfriend at the time, but more importantly I just wanted nothing to do with this douche bag. 

Fast forward to me at nearly 40 when my sexual drive is at its peak and I still don’t look at porn.  Don’t get me wrong, it has its place and I’m not judging.  It’s just a personal choice. 

In this holiday season I have found myself heavily addicted to Hallmark Christmas movies.  My husband and I end up watching these unbelievably cheesy movies that are not based on reality at all.  There is a common theme and we always know exactly how it is going to end (maybe similar to porn?..) and I find comfort in the predictability.  There is also zero sexual content in these movies.  In fact, most of the time the main characters fall in love and commit themselves to each other before even kissing, and definitely before any kind of hot and heavy petting. They buy the vehicle before even test driving it.

Maybe it’s due to the dull content, or perhaps it’s the intimate connection I’m watching unfold, but I can’t keep my hands off my husband.  Cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies lead to hot sex almost every single time.   

I mean, the stories are geared toward women in every way possible. The lead roles are played by independent women who don’t seem to struggle with anything from money to wrinkles to clothes that don’t fit. The men are typically tall and chiseled, good with their hands, and wearing plaid. And don’t forget, they’re always willing to help out with absolutely anything. They even help without being asked. Did I mention the plaid shirts…?

They never seem tired and yet barely need sleep. There are never dishes piled up and yet I never see them having to clean constantly. The best part is they always know what they’re passionate about and they get to somehow make a living out doing it without it even looking difficult. They dream it and it comes true. Unlike actual porn, the plot lines are inspiring and even fun.

So perhaps if you’re looking to spice things up, stop watching shows with some intense content that you don’t want to miss, and try a holly, jolly, very predictable Hallmark Christmas movie instead.  I assure you that you won’t be sad to miss the ending.

Yours in sex by the fireplace,

Modern Mommy Brain