The word balance is a funny one. It’s something that pre-pandemic I remember desperately searching for on a daily basis. How do I balance work, motherhood, cleaning, cooking, extracurriculars, etc.? Sometimes life seemed like I was on a treadmill that I couldn’t get off of, running all the time.

Know the feeling?

Fast forward to a thousand days into quarantine, life is not about running as much as it is…juggling. I’m not changing scenery but I have to change roles within the same space, and sometimes within seconds.

“Hold on, I have to take this call for work” or “Lunch is ready” or “Let’s get one more assignment done”.

All while in the same room, same clothes, with the same people.

My head is literally spinning so fast all that I can’t sleep at night but I’m totally exhausted at the same time. There is no off button.

I listened to a great Ted Talk the other day about how to manage stress like an ER doctor. The doctor spoke about how you have to relentlessly triage situations, as you would patients. I can’t think of anything more relevant to how I am living right now than that comparison. We are not always in a state of panic or distress but I am constantly evaluating my family and their health in regard to academics, mental well being, physical activity, etc. And I make sure to check in on my own health regularly, because let’s face it, there’s no triage nurse for mom.

I made it about 7 weeks trying to do it all with enthusiasm and a strategic approach. I made schedules, re-made schedules, prepped for my days, and got up at ungodly hours to get in extra work time. I saw both successes and failures in our days together. Then the cheese started to slide off the cracker a bit and I had to take a break. Literally took “vacation days” while again, not changing scenery.

And I cried. A lot.

I hit the release valve and I let go of all of the intense emotions that I was holding onto in order to be all of the things for my family. And this, by the way, isn’t new. Pre-pandemic life required hitting the reset button at least once a month in order to let go of the pressure that builds up.

But in this season there is less alone time. There is no change of scenery. There is no walking away.

The best that I can do for balance is to take one day at a time. It’s great to have a plan and I have definitely found more success with a bit of structure. But there are high emotions here in this season, some of which we can’t begin to understand, and the mental health part of the equation overrules everything. I may plan for a productive day, but when I see signs of distress in my child’s face, we revise that plan.

Maybe right now we don’t look for balance? Maybe we just look for joy, for little successes, for comfort, for love, for light? Those little moments of positivity seem to the only balance that is necessary right now… at least for this house.

Yours in quarantine,

Modern Mommy Brain