I haven’t shared this with a lot of people, but I really struggled being back at work after my third. It was the best 16 months of my life. It comes out randomly to people that I want to be at home instead of working, usually because I’m too honest when they ask how the “adjustment” is going. I don’t go into too much detail because a single conversation about it will bring me to tears within seconds.

This is the truth:

I LOVE my job (okay, it’s a REALLY good job that I like and I’m comfortable in and that pays well).

I’m GRATEFUL that I have this wonderful job.

I NEED the money.

I WANT the money (and not the stress of worrying about money).

My place of work is more than phenomenal, the tasks and the people included.

This is also the truth:

I LOVE my kids.

Being at home is so much harder than going to work while other people mind them.

Three kids are a match that I will always be outnumbered against.

I miss them all day, every day.

My heart aches that someone else is raising them.

I feel like a fraud at work because the truth is, my passion and my mind is always far away from my desk.

Going back to work wasn’t so difficult with number one and two, to be honest. Maybe it’s because I always planned on having a third? But this time I was complete. And it was game on. I was CEO of this pure chaos that I created (with my husband’s help, of course).

I got to pick my kids up at school, feed them dinner at 4:00 every day, and sit around the table while I try to pry some anecdotes out of them about their days. I went to play groups with the baby and frantically cleaned and cooked while she napped. I did laundry on weekdays. I took them to the park when it was nice out because we had so much time. And then I’d wake up and do it all over again.

Most of the time, it really wasn’t super exciting, but I was managing it all. I was the last face they saw when they went to school and the first face they saw when they came out of the school. It was so simple and yet, it was pure freedom and it was my life.

So when people ask me how I’m managing, I try to give a polite answer, lie, and say it’s fine. Because managing three kids and a job is not the hard part. Someone else takes care of feeding them and caring for them. I just go do my job and get paid. I eat lunch uninterrupted. I go to the bathroom alone. I don’t think twice about coming and going.

The hard part is that I know what I’m missing.

Sincerely,

Modern Mommy Brain